What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 00:17
What did i know ?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why were the Japanese soldiers in WW II so hesitant to surrender in battle?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My life is so biszare .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was seconnd youngest,
And i lived it daily.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Is the Shia claim true that Imam Ali was born inside the Kaaba?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
What are 10 interesting facts about you?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She found it foreign!.
I always feel very tired after I do some exercises, even after a night's sleep. What's the problem?
I was very sick at this time too.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We all went to grammer schools
Why am I dreaming of people I've never seen before?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We were not on the streets..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But it wasn’t much.
Put me off passion for life!!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Especially a lifetime of it.
She wouldn,t have been !
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So whats the point in blame.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She loved him until the end.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Comes on , in middle age.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was 9 years of age.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I couldn’t, believe it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Was to survive, this bastard.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I write beautiful poetry .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
When she asked me how she looked .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im still living with it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
So, i spoilt her more .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
This is soul school!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Would this be the day?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As i do to all so called friends.?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My family never makes their pension either.
I will be 64.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I waited trembling.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She married twice! .
She was in good health!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I never cut or harmed myself..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Who then, do I blame.?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why did i forgive my father ?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
All the time i was locked up.
He knew the spot.
I said to her
It was going to be , some day.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But, we were locked up after school.
Ive learnt so much.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I don,t even have a pension.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was scared of men, in general
One cannot live in the past .
I think the readers, may guess!
I have no regrets .
(And it was in our own minds.)